LOVE IS FORGIVING

“To err is human and to forgive is divine”; “No one is perfect, so don’t worry about it.” These are normally the words of those who easily forgive and do not hold grudges.

Love does not hold grudges. It does not resent. Love is not a “record keeper” of wrongs – it does not keep a record list of wrong things people have said or done. Love forgives!

Forgiveness is ceasing to feel angry or resentful towards; pardoning an offender or offence.

It is one characteristic of long lasting, happy and pleasure-filled relationships.

Some people have been badly offended by others, and so many years after, they still carry grudges towards those people that wronged them. They keep recalling all the offenses – this is because they are very good “record keepers” and the list is there to refer to.

On the other hand, others who have been badly hurt talk instead about the good they have enjoyed, and the positive things that are happening in their lives now – these are the people with the loving and forgiving hearts.

Forgiveness Is a Positive Force

The person who easily forgives is seen as weak and coward. But I beg to differ. Forgiveness is a very difficult thing to do; and it takes the strong and the brave to do the difficult things in life –one must be strong and brave to forgive!

Forgiveness is a very positive force which makes a lot of changes for both the forgiver and the forgiven.

Someone said, “The lovers of this world are not the weak and coward. They are the strong, the braves, and the builders. For instead of compounding the amount of hate in this world, they increase the amount of love.”

Hindrances to Forgiveness

Why is forgiveness very difficult, even at times for those who easily forgive?

Humans have a natural and powerful urge for revenge. Partly, it is due to our desire to see justice done, but often times, this “good intention” is wrapped in our meanness and bitterness.

Directly linked to the above is our desire to teach the offender a lesson; so determined to do that to soothe our ego, no matter the cost. But we have to give up on “teaching a lesson” to those who have wronged us or else we end up “teaching ourselves lessons.”

Again, the world sees forgiveness very differently and so do not support the godly idea and desire to forgive. To the world, to forgive quickly and easily is weakling and cowardice. It is easy to believe and go with that school of thought than to go against it – it is always difficult to swim against the tide.

For forgiveness to happen, someone has to make a first move; but for most of us, to make the first move is an admission that we are in the wrong, and the other person was more right than we were.

The High Cost of Holding Grudges

Even though forgiveness may be very difficult for you, but if you refuse to forgive, it carries a severe price.

Spiritually, no one grows spiritually until he has learnt to forgive. Resentment is accompanied by anger which grieves the Holy Spirit. It hinders your prayer, and you will not also be forgiven of your offenses by God.

Physically, unforgivingness can trigger numerous diseases. The longer we carry a grudge, the heavier its toll, and the more tired we become. It can then weaken our bodies, cause ulcers and leave us open to other illnesses.

Relationally or socially, holding grudges creates stony hearts and steel wills, directing the relationships into separation, and the acrimony that follows causes damage. The shorter the list of grievances we carry against others, the more love we have. But many of us – the good “record keepers” count up everything others do wrong – and the list becomes very long such that we can no longer be in relationships with others. Many marriages, friendships and other relationships have broken because we have not learnt to forgive.

Emotionally, our unwillingness to forgive creates harmful and bitter feelings, stifling the flow of love, joy and peace. You can’t be free and happy if you hold grudges.

How to Forgive

Yea, it is difficult to forgive for many reasons; yet that is exactly what we are told to do over and over again in the Bible, and that is what loving hearts do.

Forgive yourself: Forgiving others starts with forgiving yourself. When you realize how much you have been forgiven by God, you are able to forgive yourself, and also those who have wronged you.

Forgive proportionally: If we can forgive freely, we need to tolerate others as generously as we tolerate and understand ourselves in our own errors and flops.

To have such tolerance and understanding for people can do us a great deal to forgive others and build strong relationships.

Forgive prayerfully: No matter how much patience and tolerance we have, and how hard we try to control our emotions, the urge to revenge erupts out the hot lava of our anger. We simply must seek help from God! Ask God to erase that bitterness that has been written and stored in the memory system of your mind.

Christ is an expert in the art of forgiveness. Surely, He said, “Father, forgive them. For they do not know what they do!”

Be the first to bury the hatchet: If we want to forgive positively, we will have to take the initiative, even if we are more right. Love does not debate about who goes first or who was more right! Love does not wait for the offender to say sorry either. Love simply seeks to mend the relationship. Love takes the initiative to make things right!

See the need to forgive: Get two separate sheets and make a list of all the reasons you have for refusing to forgive someone on one of the sheets. Then make a list of all reasons why you have to forgive someone on the other sheet.

Tear up the list of all the reasons you have for not forgiving, and concentrate on the other list. Surely, there is a reason to forgive!

Take it a day at a time: Go to bed each night with the feeling that you don’t have an enemy in the world. Make this a practice. Begin by sitting for some minutes (half an hour recommended) each night and mentally forgive all the people against whom you have any ill-will, sending them thoughts of love.

Loving people choose to forgive even when they have the opportunity and power to crush and destroy those who hurt them. Revenge may give you a temporal relief but forgiveness gives you a soothing freedom forever. Whenever you hold a grudge, you rob yourself of happiness. Resentments and holding grudges make our lives bitter – our words, thoughts, and attitudes.

A senior colleague once said, “When the offended refuses to forgive the offender, the offender becomes offended.”

Nothing is ever settled until it is settled right. It is never settled right until it has been touched by the grace of forgiveness. It is important to forgive quickly. The quicker you do it, the easier it is. A weed is easily uprooted when it has just sprung up than when it has developed deep roots.

You can gather coins, you can collect garbage, and you can hold hands; but never gather, collect or hold grudges. Forgive!

      

      References:

• Habits of a Loving Heart by Willard Tate
• Spirit-Controlled Temperament by Tim LaHaye
• The Friendship Factor by Alan Loy McGinnis