LOVE IS TEMPERATE
Love
is not easily provoked; it is not irritable and touchy. To be irritable or
provoked means “to be near the point of a knife.” But love is temperate; mild and moderate in behaviour. Love has learned that
patience is not just a virtue; but simply the best way to live. Loving people are
in control of their emotions.
What Makes us Angry?
Someone said, “When we
are angry, always ‘the heart of the problem is primarily a problem of the heart.’”
Arguably, anger stems out of our selfish interests which we regard in one way
or the other as lack of respect for our personality, and a violation of our
rights. Most of us also use anger to get what we want – to intimidate others
into yielding to our interests and desires; and many give in just to avoid
further conflict. But this has always come at a price which many of us seem not
to know – hurt feelings, loss of love, and the possible physical harm.
Three Important Facts That Tell a Lot
In his book, “Habits of a Loving Heart”, Willard Tate
outlines that you can tell much about people concerning anger by observing
three things.
1. How
often do they become angry? People who have their emotions under control – people
with loving hearts – become angry a lot less often than those who are
hot-tempered.
2. What
things do they become angry about? People with loving hearts do not get angry
unless there is a legitimate and just cause, even in the sight of God. They become
angry only over important things; but those who have problem with anger get
provoked over every little thing they don’t like.
3. For
how long do they stay angry once they become so? Loving hearts are not only
slow to anger; but also quick to let go it. On the other hand, the
hot-tempered, once they become angry, find it difficult to get themselves back
under control – it is like breaking a dam; once you’ve got the water flowed
out, a flood is caused!
The Acid of Anger
Anger is one of the
most common destructive emotions known to humankind. It ruins millions of friendships,
marriages, and other relationships.
Spiritually,
a
spirit-controlled life is impossible for the angry person. Anger grieves the
Holy Spirit, keeping you from becoming spiritually matured.
Physically,
anger
destroys your health – it takes a heavy toll on your body and wears you out.
The “killing diseases” –heart attack, hypertension, stroke, and ulcers – are
much more potent among people who have problem with anger. Long-term resented
anger can create sexual dysfunction in otherwise perfectly healthy people:
frigidity in women and impotence in men.
It is always difficult
to separate the physical price paid for anger from its financial costs. The physical diseases caused by anger needlessly cost
thousands of Cedis in medical bills.
Relationally
or socially, anger destroys love. Anytime anger
flares up, love dies out a little! Anger provokes hurtful speech which is
devastating to people. The angry person thus is not pleasant to be around with.
Anger can make you emotionally upset until you are not in
control of yourself, squeezing the richer emotion of love out of you. It is
impossible to be bitter at someone and love the person at the same time?
Anger, psychologically, blocks your logic,
thus impairing your sense of judgment. We can’t think straight or concentrate
when we are upset.
Anger as a Positive Force
We can have a healthy and
righteous indignation for a good cause. The best relationships build in an
allowance for our feelings. A partner should once at a time be able to express
his resentments and displeasure at the other. I don’t know of any intimate relationship that has lasted long
without partners expressing some irritation, bitterness and hostility from time
to time.
Friends must agree
early in the friendship that they will welcome negative feelings, and it will
tremendously help. Let anger deepen the relationship.
Misplaced Anger
Most of the times, our
anger is misplaced – not directed unto the right people. The most common
example is the husband, who gets a bad day at work, irritated in traffic, and
goes home to vent his anger onto his family – they are receiving a message which
is not addressed to them, and they will never understand it.
In other ways, normally
passive hostile people have their anger disproportionate to the grievances
because they are venting a lot of past grievances all at once. They do not
easily show up their anger; and not also able to let go of it, they keep it
within – consequently as the Akans have it, “nsuo
tae aponkyerani a, egye woo.” Literally, “when the frog has taken in much water
than it can contain, it will definitely spill it out.”
Misplaced anger has
never helped built a relationship!
Be Angry and not Destructive
It is possible to be
angry and not destructive. It is just possible to “fight fair and clean”, and
it is very essential in building lovely relationships.
1. Talk
about your feelings, not the person’s faults. Let the person know how you feel,
how hurtful you are, and not about the persons actions or inactions.
2. Stick
to one topic. Practice the courtroom principle; “deal with one crime at a
time.”
3. If
you dish it out, you have to take it. “You have the right to vent out your
anger at times; but you also have the responsibility to stay and let the other
party respond.”
4. Aim
for ventilation, not a conquest mentality. It should be a win-win fight.
5. Balance
your criticisms with lots of love.
Control and Overcome Your Anger
Control your anger
because what angers you, definitively, controls you!
1. Admit
your anger and face it as a weakness/sin. Once you recognize and admit your
weaknesses, then you are on your way to recovery.
2. Control
your emotions: Check your emotions before you speak. You have heard counting
1-10; some may have to count up to 100, even 1000. Proverbs 10:19 (NLT) puts it
well, “Don’t talk too much [when you are
angry], for it fosters sin. Be sensible and turn off the flow!” (Emphasis
mine). Being patient in one moment of anger will save you a hundred days of
sorrow. Someone wisely said, “the easiest way to save face is to keep the lower
part of it shut.” Another person also said it right, “speak when you are angry,
and you will make the best (or maybe the worst) speech you will ever regret.”
3. Smile:
Have you noticed how very difficult it is to smile and be angry at the same
time? Try it!
4. Ask
God to take it away. God can help you to overcome every weakness.
5. Take
it a day at a time. “Clean your anger slate each night before you go to bed.”
In life, some people are like lemon – when squeezed, they pour out sour response; on the other hand, a loving person is like a peach – when the pressure is on, the result is still sweet.
Ask yourself; Am I a
lemon or a peach? Do I bring out a sour or a sweet taste when squeezed? Am I a
calming breeze or a thunderous storm waiting to happen? Love is calm; Love is
sweet!
REFERENCES
1.
Habits
of a Loving Heart by Willard Tate
2.
Spirit-Controlled
Temperament by Tim LaHaye
3.
The
Friendship Factor by Alan Loy McGinnis
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