ENGAGEMENT: THE PERIOD WHEN THE SEED OF MARITAL SUCCESS IS SOWN
Engagement is a word greatly misunderstood and misused in our days
and age. Many, including some churches, misconstrue the traditional marriage to be the engagement, which
is totally wrong and out of ignorance.
"Engagement is an intermediate stage (period) between the time
of a marriage proposal and marriage when a man and a woman commit fully to each
other to make practical preparation for joining themselves to each other in
marriage."
Betrothal which is a form of engagement (also called espousal) was once common in formal arranged marriages, and it was common for parents to betroth their children to arrange marriages many years before the engaged couple were old enough.
Betrothal which is a form of engagement (also called espousal) was once common in formal arranged marriages, and it was common for parents to betroth their children to arrange marriages many years before the engaged couple were old enough.
Betrothal in the Jewish tradition is taken very seriously;
breaking a betrothal requires a formal divorce, and violation of betrothal is
considered adultery.
The Marriage Proposal &
Acceptance
A marriage proposal is an event where one person in a
relationship asks for the other's hand in marriage. It often involves asking the
question "Will you marry me...?”, and if accepted, it marks the beginning
of engagement [informal]. It may
include the presentation of a ring (not Ghanaian culture).
In many cultures, it's the man who proposes.
In many cultures, it's the man who proposes.
In Scotland and Ireland, February 29th in a
leap year is said to be the one day when a woman can propose to her partner.
Finland has the same custom, with the addition that a man
rejecting such a proposal is expected to buy the woman enough cloth for a skirt
as compensation.
Most potential couples discuss their willingness to marry
for a significant amount of time before a proposal occurs, and may schedule a
specific time and place for the proposal to be made. Others also choose to make
it a surprise.
The Formal Engagement
This is the time when the two families come together and
formally establish the marriage, agreeing to "release" their children
to each other. This is what the Akans call "Kokooko", literally "Knocking".
A binding contract, which will be terminated only by
formal dissolution through "divorce" is involved.
For example, the woman's family will ask of the man’s
family: "If you want to marry our daughter, we want GH₵ 3000.00, 10 pieces of
cloth for our daughter and her parents; GH₵ 200.00 for the brothers and
cousins (“akontagye sekan”); etc.," (which is referred to these days as the
list). The items constitute the bride price/dowry.
The man's family might also respond: "We accept these
terms. For our son, we also want a wife who can cook, sew, weave, wash, and
generally keep the home, bear children and raise them up, etc."
When the terms of the contract are agreed upon, it's then “signed”
by both parties to become official. Wine with a token are given, and rings may be exchanged (normally given to
the bride) to mark the beginning of the formal engagement period.
The man then goes to "begin to work" to earn income to meet the
requirements of the in-laws. He starts a
business, builds or finds a home/house to prove his readiness to enter adult society. He is taught to become a good leader; prepared physically, emotionally,
spiritually, psychologically and socially to become a family head.
The woman's family on the other hand makes sure their
daughter learns how to cook, sew, weave, clean, wash and manage the home. She
is also taught the physical and sexual aspects of marriage.
During this period, the couple is said to be affianced, or
simply engaged, and they live separately until the actual marriage
ceremony is performed.
Future brides and grooms may be called wife-to-be or husband-to-be, fiancée or fiancé respectively.
Future brides and grooms may be called wife-to-be or husband-to-be, fiancée or fiancé respectively.
The duration varies vastly, averagely one year, and is
largely dependent on cultural norms or upon the agreement of the parties
involved; not too long or too short, but right enough to study each other and prepare very well.
Premarital Counseling
One important process of the engagement period that the engaged couple needs to go through is premarital counseling. Counselors use
biblical, ethical, scientific, and basic traditional and social issues to help the couple understand themselves and marriage better.
Counseling prepares you to know what to expect and how to
handle them when you meet them in the marriage. It helps you to "drive carefully" along the road of marriage.
With a professional counseling approach, you are helped to
deal with unrealistic expectations that normally pose challenges in the marriage.
It also helps to confirm whether your choice and timing for the marriage are
right.
Sowing the "Success Seed" of the Marriage
Sowing the "Success Seed" of the Marriage
Engagement is the first stage of marriage – a time of
practical preparation towards marriage. It is the time when the seed of future
marital success is planted or sown. It is a time to secure the stability of the
marriage. This is the time during which the couple makes a careful
check to see whether they are compatible to live together for the
rest of their lives.
All these stand to reason that, as important as marriage,
engagement shouldn't be entered into lightly and should not be misconstrued to
be the traditional marriage.
REFERENCES
- Waiting and Dating by Dr. Myles Munroe
- Your Guide to Marriage by Dr. John Boakye
- https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Engagement
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