BEFORE YOU SAY “I DO!”

Whilst there are many partners who are about to enter into marriage and vow to each other, “Until death do us part”, many couples are contemplating of dissolving their marriages. This connotes that so much needs to be done before you say “I DO!”

Many failed marriages can be traced back to inadequate preparation – intellectually, emotionally, physically, and spiritually. It is said that proper prior planning prevents poor performance. When you plan well, you perform well. Marriage is such a serious business, and you need not enter into it lightly.

Build Your Capacity to be a Fulfilled Single

Many people are engulfed in search of a life partner than taking time to build themselves. Their pots are not kilned but they are seriously in search of water to fill it. Where will you safely store the water if the pot is not kilned? Why don't you focus now on kilning your pot so that when you fill it with water, it does not leak?

Build your capacity to be a fulfilled single – physically, economically, emotionally, intellectually socially and spiritually in order to be a fulfilled couple.

Focus on becoming the spouse you want to be. The better you get at being single, the better you would be in a relationship. It is worth being an asset as a single, and not a liability in your marriage. If you are uncomfortable and unhappy with yourself, your partner wouldn’t feel comfortable and happy either being with you.

Your success and happiness in marriage will be as a result of what you bring into the marriage.

Seek Knowledge About Marriage

"For lack of knowledge, my people perish." Whilst people spend so much resources to seek knowledge about their professions and career (which they will retire from at a point in life), they hardly spend even a small percentage of such resources to seek knowledge about marriage which is a lifetime relationship. There are many out there who are rushing into marriage, but they “know nothing” about marriage. The fact is that if you have no knowledge about something, you will definitely fail at it. 

It is thus very important to seek holistic knowledge and understanding about the nature of marriage. Read and study marriage and relationship books, listen to tapes, and attend relationship seminars. You can also learn from experienced married couples who are willing to share their experiences.

Build Friendship

True friendship is the strongest relationship of all, and it is an essential ingredient of every successful marriage. The strongest and most successful long-term relationships are those that are built on friendship. Your friend is the best to choose as your life partner. Unfortunately, most of us don't see it that way.

It is important for partners contemplating marriage to make friendship building between them a priority. Asking the right questions that normally focus on the other person’s family, education, personal interests, and spirituality is a sure way to deepening the friendship.

Take a Compatibility Test

The Bible asks, “Can two walk together unless they agree?” Obviously no! People are different (but with similarities), and for people to be able to live harmoniously, “Agreement” has to be the name of the game. Compatibility is simply partners’ ability to agree to their similarities and differences at the spiritual, soulical and bodily levels.

The Compatibility Test (Temperament, Love Languages, Religious beliefs, Education, Finances, Career, Parenting and other Pre-marriage tests) exposes potential differences and similarities of the partners in the marriage, and are discussed realistically to help them develop tolerance, adjustment, adaptation and coping strategies to them.

Premarital Counseling

If I had my way, one essential thing that I would add to the bride list during the engagement period is "Time with the Counselor" for about six sessions of professional counseling.

Premarital counseling is a preventive counseling – done before problems arise rather than after – to help partners evaluate their relationship towards marriage.

Counselors use biblical, ethical, traditional and social principles to help you understand each other and marriage issues better. They help you to explore possible problem areas in the marriage, prepare you to know what to expect and how to handle them when you meet them along the journey of the marriage.

With a professional counseling approach, you are helped to assess your marital readiness – to confirm (or otherwise) whether your choice and timing are right.

These steps though may not remove all the butterflies in the stomach, but you shouldn’t leap in the dark to stumble.

Make every effort to start your marriage right by making proper preparations. Do your homework well before you say "I DO!"