GOD’S GUIDING PRINCIPLE OF MARRIAGE
The principle has three elements;
what I call “The Three-fold Mystery of Marriage”: Leaving, Cleaving and One
flesh/Unifying.
Leaving
There can be no marriage without
leaving – your parents, friends, old habits and lifestyle, and anything that
could interfere with your marriage.
The word “Leaving” means to loosen. A public and legal act is
performed for you to be under “wedlock”. Marriage is never a private affair! – It
concerns more than just the two individuals getting married.
Physically it means you are
ready to start your own family. Psychologically it means that you are able to
think and make decisions on your own. Emotionally it means replacing your
attachment with your parents and their home with that of your spouse. Financially
it means being able to acquire personal possessions and utilize them without
dependence on anyone. Socially it means that you are able to spend time and
live with your spouse better than anyone else and spiritually it means being
able to worship together with your spouse.
Just as the umbilical cord of
the baby is cut to enable it grow and develop, so one has to leave parents for
marriage to grow and develop. The couple will need their freedom devoid of any
in-law “interference” and control.
Cleaving
Leaving and Cleaving are
intertwined – you cannot really cleave unless you have left; and you cannot
really leave unless you have decided to cleave.
Cleaving means to stick, be glued to or to keep tight. It describes the
Personal aspect of the marriage. It is about adjustment, bondedness, intimacy,
commitment, faithfulness and affection which enable the couple to have common
goals and ambitions through mutual decisions. The husband and wife are glued to
each other like two papers are glued to each other – separating them will mean
to tear and hurt them both – in the situation where there are children, you
hurt them as well.
To cleave means husband and wife
are closest to each other than anyone else – parents, friends, visitors and
guests, and even the children ; and closest to each other than anything else – work/profession,
the house cleaning and cooking, the book, the phone and the television.
To cleave in its deep sense is
only possible between two persons – the Bible is uncompromising about it:
“Therefore shall a man (not men) . . . cleave to his wife” (not wives)!
One Flesh (Unifying)
Cleaving and One flesh cannot be
separated – you cannot become one flesh unless you have cleft/cleaved; and you
cannot really cleave unless you have decided to become one flesh.
One flesh describes the Physical
aspect of marriage and it is as important as the Public/Legal and Personal
aspects of the marriage. It is the innermost mystery of the three-fold mystery.
The sexual act in marriage
reinforces your cleaving and it is as much within God’s plan for marriage as is
the leaving and cleaving. It is as dear and near to God as the faithfulness and
legality of the marriage.
To become one flesh means more
than just the physical union. It means the two persons share everything of
theirs – their bodies, their material possessions, their goals, joys and
sufferings, their hopes and fears, their successes and failures – and they are
not ashamed of their nakedness, weaknesses, fears and challenges.
It means that the two become
completely one – body, soul and spirit – and yet they remain two different and
individual persons. It is not two halves coming together to make on whole, but
two whole persons forming an entirely new whole.
The Harmony of “The Three-Fold Mystery” of Marriage
To Leave, To Cleave, and To
Become One Flesh are inseparable from each other. If one part is missing, the
marriage is not complete.
When two people think they love
each other, and have sexual intercourse with each other – some even stay
together (cohabitation), but are not yet legally married, then the Leaving
element of the marriage is missing – they have not left. In such situations,
there are broken hearts and destroyed lives – loss of virginity, a child out of
wedlock, forced and hurried marriages especially when it is discovered that
there is pregnancy. It is in these instances that you see “five months old
babies” delivered. What of the children born out of it? – They are normally
deprived of the shelteredness of marriage and the love of the father and
mother.
In the scenario when the couple
are legally married (they have left) and have been together for quite some time
and have physical fellowship, but the love is gone, then they are not Cleaving.
As a result, there is no happiness and the couple goes through emotional trauma
becoming rude and cruel to each other and thus they experience emptiness in the
relationship. This then affects the physical union. Soon, the man looks for a
woman who “will respect and can understand him better” than the wife; the wife
also finds a man who can “comfort and care for her better” than the husband.
There are also instances where
the couple is married legally and loves each other dearly, but in spite of
their love, their physical fellowship is unsatisfactory and unfulfilled – they
find no pleasure in the act of sex. The men complain that the women don’t react
in the normal way, but are too cold; the women also say the men force it on them,
they are too fast, uninitiated and noncreative. When this happens, the
temptation is to satisfy ones sexual desires outside of marriage – then the
legal aspect of the marriage becomes endangered. The adultery may finally
result in divorce.
The three elements of God’s
principles of marriage are like a tent which should have at least three poles
to stand to provide shelter – marriage is indeed a “tent” which provides
shelter for the family.
“You can’t cleave without
leaving; and you can’t become one flesh, especially through sex without
cleaving.” Only those who have “left” to “cleave” exclusively to each other
can become “one flesh”.
References
- I Married You by Walter Trobisch
- Your Guide to Marriage by Dr. John Boakye
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