THE HAPPY SINGLE

 It is not easy being a single. Being single at any age, and for whatever reason, can be very challenging in a world that seems to place so much importance on finding the love of your life and becoming a couple. 

 

There is very little support given to those who are consciously choosing to spend time alone, and learning to enjoy their own company and the creativity it sparks. The ‘loneliness experience’ felt by singles is in itself a problem coupled with handling of the ‘undue pressure’ put on them by family and “well-meaning” friends. The whole world seems to be geared up to support you in the quest of finding a partner, and when you are not able or there is a little delay, you are tagged as a ‘failure’, and others have the notion that ‘something is wrong with you’, which is really quite ridiculous. Many singles also have to overcome the ‘immature/incomplete’ treatment they receive at work, in society and even in the church. Some singles are denied of higher positions or promotions just because they are not married? Many other singles also experience the ‘fear of missing out’ (FOMO) by having the anxious feeling that there are more exciting experiences and opportunities somewhere (in relationships) which they are missing. As a result they begin to question themselves: “Why am I not enjoying those benefits?”, “Why am I alone?”, “How do I do things all by myself?”

True as these challenges may be, I am marveled at the numerous singles I encounter who are rushing into relationships because they cannot cope on their own and are not happy, but have developed the “false impression” (either by intrinsic or extrinsic influence) that being in a relationship will make them happy and fulfilling.

The irony is that, things get bad and these relationships normally do not succeed because they had no idea what it takes to be in a relationship, and were not prepared or ready for the challenges of relationships. Some stay, while others will leave, but the moment they leave, another relationship will start for fear of being lonely, unhappy and insecure. Unfortunately, their fears remain – they constantly feel lonely and “alone”, and unhappy and insecure in the relationship.

However, singles have to understand that knowing how to live with insecurity is the only sure security. They should learn to be happy and secure on their own and make those days of waiting exciting and memorable.

From personal experience, and those of my single friends, here are some habits of happy singles.

1.      They know that only God can fully meet their needs: We are never satisfied with what we have as human beings; we always want more. This causes us to be desperate and think we need someone to help us. Happy singles have the feeling of self-contentment and they know that it is only God who can fully meet their needs; no human being can!

2.      They develop pure mindset and self-control: We live in a world where everyone wants to be in a relationship. Happy singles know that the one who takes a stand on singleness takes a daring stand because this period comes along with so many challenges. They set their minds to enjoy their singleness, and they make this decision thoughtfully when their emotions and nerves are calm. Your singledom will not last a lifetime, if it is not meant to. The worst thing you can do is to panic and think you have to find someone immediately or your life is over. It makes you blind to obvious red flags and puts you in all kinds of compromising situations. Happy singles let go off the “feeling” to bond, partner or marry. They have a positive mindset and they develop self-control. 

3.      They appreciate their own company: You need to first be your own best friend before you can be someone’s best friend. Happy singles are those who have learnt to enjoy living on their own and relate to their own self. Look at it this way – if you are uncomfortable spending time alone with yourself, what makes you think anyone else will feel comfortable spending time with you?

4.      They relax and give themselves time: Take a breather and be happy to have been given this special opportunity because it is a time you use to know yourself better. Being happy alone does not happen overnight. There will be times that you feel you are invisible, no one will ever love you, you are wasting your life, your life is passing you by, and a whole lot of other negative self-talk. The best thing to do is to relax and do things that interest you. Sometimes the only way to get you to listen to yourself is to force "time alone" upon yourself. Happy singles know this and they do it.

5.      They practice “Physico-spiritual” sublimation (1Tim.4:8): We normally think that when we get married, then everything is going to be fine. But marriage has its own challenges. Don’t have your eye and heart so set on marriage that you forget to enjoy life now (your singleness) and make the most out of it. Happy singles enjoy and make the most out of life by channeling their energies and impulses through physical work and spiritual ministry. They do things that draw their minds away from what will incite trouble and sin. They increase physical exercise and interests: sports, good music and movies, gardening, knitting and sewing etc. Happy singles develop and use their God-given gifts and abilities. They program and saturate their minds with God’s word and focus their energies into the work of God – doing charity work, evangelism and missionary work, inviting guests into their homes, visiting prisons, hospitals and orphanages, etc.

You have one life – love it, live it and enjoy it to the fullest. 

6.      They seek to be life-long learners: Happy singles learn from their past relationships, and from married couples around them (what works for them and their mistakes). They constantly learn new things for personal and professional development from books, tapes, documentaries, and online whiles attending workshops and seminars. They learn about the opposite sex, love and relationships, temperaments, parenting, career development etc. They pursue their interests and are not afraid to do things alone if need be. They go for their goals, set out and reach them. They dream their paintings, and wake up to paint their dreams. They touch their dreams! You can also learn to discover and accept yourself.

7.      They focus on becoming the spouse they want to be: Happy singles evaluate their personal strengths and weaknesses, and take measures to utilize their strengths and overcome their weaknesses. They use their time to improve areas in their lives like learning to cook new and delicious meals, improving their character, communication and listening skills. For some it is extremely difficult to cater for their own needs. Are you one of those people who will happily cook if someone is over but if it is just you – then you have to buy from across the street? Happy singles make the effort to cook for themselves. It is one of the most self-loving things you can do for yourself. Set small goals each day to become that person that you want to be for your future partner/spouse. If you form strong and good habits now, you are more likely to continue doing them in a relationship.

8.      They seek counseling: Most of us get into trouble as a result of the bad companies we keep and the advice we get from them. In difficult and stressful situations, and times of loneliness where there is the feeling of “longing”, you will need someone who you can relate to and spend time with; someone who you can trust and talk to and hope can advise and motivate you to keep you going. Happy singles have learnt this and they seek the necessary counsel from people they know can help them.

9.      They mingle as singles: Happy singles mingle. They socialize and make friends. They know that keeping alone all the time or isolating yourself from others only brings about the feeling of loneliness. Don’t be lonely by being alone. You have to mingle with other people. Do this without marriage in mind and this can help you to have enough insight into yourself.

10.   They are grateful to God in the midst of their singleness: A grateful and thankful heart is always happy and joyful. Others are troubled than you are. Happy singles praise and thank God. They think positively and always look out for the good and bright side of things. Instead of thinking of what or who is missing in their life, happy singles appreciate the amazing things that happen in their life. Sulking will only make you depressed and desperate. Why can’t you thank God at least for that friend of yours who is in a relationship (married), and through that God will bless you? 

You may be a single but you don’t have to be constantly lonely. Remember, even in a relationship, you will need “free space” to be "single" and alone at times. A life spent alone, rather than being lonely, can be liberating. You have to be supportive, caring, understanding, and yes you have to learn to listen and communicate with yourself, to cheer yourself up and be yourself. If you are not happy with yourself, how will someone be happy being with you? A happy single is the one who is strong enough to live and enjoy life without depending on others. The better you get at being alone, the better you will be in a relationship.