MARRIAGE: ALWAYS A COMPROMISE?

Marriage is not one-way. It is a bond between two loving individuals who are from different backgrounds with differences in their likes, dislikes, convictions, passions, values, and principles. This means they all cannot like one thing, do one thing or agree on everything. So, what should couples do? 
Many argue that marriage is an eternal compromise – partners have to meet each other half-way on a common ground. But should that always be the case? 
Others also argue that one key factor to a happy marriage is for partners to learn not to compromise at all. Does that mean each partner takes an entrenched position?

Marriage is a compromise

Marriage is a compromise, and it is a necessary part of any happy and successful marriage. You cannot always want to have your way and expect to enjoy your marriage. It will not work!

Compromising will mean not being stereotyped but coming to terms with what is at stake and taking into consideration the other partner’s views, thoughts and feelings. It means moving out of your comfort zone to meet your partner half-way. In marriage, the needs, wants, happiness and abilities of your husband or wife must be considered. That means you should be willing to compromise.

Boarding Taxis in Tamale taught me one thing; you have to “shift” for another person to get on board. You can’t sit at your comfort zone for the whole journey, except probably no one joins you on board. The same is for marriage; you have to “shift” for your partner, except you want to be in the marriage alone, which is impossible.

Your partner may want three children and you may want one – why not settle on two. The type of food to eat, where you will go on vacation, what channel to watch and or listen, what brand of car to buy, how often to have sex, what kind of toilet paper to use, what kind of cloth to wear, and even which portion of the toothpaste to press are all issues that may come up in the relationship that will take compromising partners to be able to settle them, bearing in mind health, economic and other complications.

The weakness of people always causes us to be angry and irritated. Can you imagine a partner who is always late for occasions? If he is able to work on his weakness, hallelujah, but if he is not able to change, then, be ready to welcome those weaknesses with open arms knowing that the flaws of people are part of their makeup. Someone said “For every evil under the sun, there is a remedy or there is none. If there is one, seek till you find it; if there is none, never mind it.” You just have to accept it, compromise and live with it.

Should you always compromise in marriage?  

Marriage is not always a compromise. In the words of Chinua Achebe, “a man may swallow phlegm for the fear of offending others, but not poison.”

Central to our happiness in life are the things that are very important to us; our identity – our passions, philosophies, values, and principles. If a man likes to play football, and his wife will always nag whenever he goes out with friends to play, sure, arguments may arise. But if football is the passion of this man and a major part of his happiness, and he is forced to “give up”, it will definitely bring tension, resentment and other problems in the marriage. What of the woman who is asked to concede or give in to her dreams, principles, values and convictions? We are advised to always do that which we know is right, standing for our convictions, defending the truth, and never lowering our standards. Truly, that is what love is about –rejoicing in the truth and standing for what is fair and right! And that means not compromising, not even to ourselves. If we are not to compromise on that which is best for us personally, how then do we compromise on them to those whom we truly love?

To compromise here will mean to cheapen yourself and allow yourself to be taken for granted for what you know is right and best. It will mean doing something which you know is not right and the best, something you know you shouldn’t do or say. That will mean you are not being who you are, but losing your identity.

However, this will not mean you should be a legalist, but rather you should be able to deliberate on issues, each bringing on board your convictions and values and arriving at a position that both of you understand to be right and helpful. In this case, I don’t call it compromising. You have only shown open-mindedness, readiness to learn new things, and readiness for correction, discovery and reassessment.

Marriage is about two people becoming “one”, and it is important for the two of you to always look at what is best for that “one” entity you have created for yourselves. Compromising is not a losing proposition for you or your partner. It is not healthy when it fails to bring out what is best for the two of you.

There should be agreement

The Bible asks, can two walk together unless they agree? Definitely No! Marriage is a walk with someone and for that matter, you would have to agree on which path you would take, the pace at which to go, who to lead (perhaps walk side by side), and possibly where to stop and rest. For two people to enjoy the marriage as a team, each member must give and take once in a while.

You should not always be a doormat when it comes to making decisions with your spouse or, perhaps, always imposing your opinions and your spouse meekly obliging, to the point where one no longer meaningfully contributes to the relationship.

When critical decisions are to be taken that affects the marriage, sit down and make serious deliberations and discuss in detail with your spouse, tailoring down all the pros and cons and arriving at a mutual decision that is best for the two.

A healthy relationship should affirm who each partner is, allowing each person’s needs to be met. It doesn’t demand that one or both partners change drastically to meet the needs of the other.

Little compromises are natural and unavoidable, but be careful not to give up of what is important to you for the sake of a relationship that should rather help to affirm who you really are.

References

• Familyshare.com

• Patheos.com